Share this article Share Not only don't men want you to look or act like the girls they watch on screen, most people have zero interest in taking their favourite fantasies through to real life — our porn fantasies even less so.
I've researched and written many sex books and have repeatedly asked male friends about porn use friends who are used to being grilled and know it's only helpful to me if they're honest rather than say 'the right thing'. They all say they masturbate to porn featuring women they'd have no interest in, in real life.
The whole point of it is that you find girls you don't normally sleep with and stuff that's nothing like the sex you're actually having or want to have in real life,' one year-old friend said, echoing many. Tracey Cox explains why not being your partner's 'type' could be a good thing But what if he's fixated on one particular porn star or one very obvious physical type?
Don't most women have a favourite porn category that does it for them? Do you want to date that person? Many a female fantasy has been fuelled by movies like Magic Mike, packed with muscle-bound sex Gods. Does that mean you don't fancy your partner because he doesn't have bulging biceps or abs of steel? Any sane person knows there are trade-offs for bodies like that: Admiring someone's physique and wanting to live with it are two different things.
A lot of straight women watch lesbian porn. Does that mean they secretly wish their boyfriend or husband was a woman? They watch it because it's something naughty and 'forbidden', it rarely means any more than that. It's not unusual for men to watch porn featuring women they're actually repulsed by: We explore the murky, darker side of ourselves with porn. If you're getting paranoid about your partner's porn habits, stop snooping to see what they're watching or stop watching it with them.
Personally, I think the porn my husband watches without me is completely his business. It's certainly not mine. So, let's park the porn right here, and move back onto to the more general theme: Should I be worried? Isn't it more insulting if you are his type? It's normal to feel rattled if you find out nearly all of your partner's exes look the same and are a totally different look to you.
But it would be equally as unnerving if every single girlfriend before you looked…like you. How special would that make you feel?
Knowing he only picked you because you looked or behaved a certain way? Far easier to find a 'type' than one of a kind, unique individuals. If you're one in a long line, you blend into one. How do you know that cute giggle he's so fond of doesn't remind him of Charlotte or your breasts are so similar, he'd swear he's touching hers instead of yours? Don't you want him to think of you as different? Love doesn't stick to lists. Most people I know who are in good, healthy, satisfying long-term relationships are with people who look nothing like what they thought they would.
Thing is, once you fall for someone, you fall for all of them. What was previously important suddenly isn't. If you'd shown me my husband on paper, I wouldn't have gone there. When I met him in person, I suddenly didn't care less about anything I previously did. Is he able to trust you? Do you get on well with his family and friends?
If so, there's no reason to feel insecure that you're not your partner's typical 'type' says Tracey file photo All these 'must-have's' and 'mustn't haves' melted into insignificance because I fell for him.
His quirkiness, his personality, his laugh, his smell — everything about him became attractive because I loved him. We don't fall in true love with parts of people or 'types', we fall in love with individuals. Be complimented if you're not someone's usual type.
It means you have other qualities that are so powerfully attractive to your partner, it made them override their usual 'wish list' and look closer. People change much more over the years physically than they do personality wise: If you want longevity, you're far better off being with a man who hasn't picked you purely for your looks. Are you funny, intelligent, kind and nice to be around?
Do you treat him well? Choosing away from type often means the guy is really serious about you. If he's just after sex, men generally do go for 'type'. If he wants more, he'll look for qualities other than looks. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you say, I'm not asking if he loves me, I'm asking if he fancies me — there is a difference. But… Just because someone has a type, doesn't mean they don't find other people attractive If your partner's type is petite, busty brunettes, it doesn't mean he's not going to find a striking red head attractive.
Or a blonde with a quirky smile that towers over him. Just because you find one type of person attractive doesn't exclude all other types: It's like saying if you love clothes from Zara, you won't find anything that appeals in Topshop.
If your favourite food is fish and chips, it doesn't mean you don't love a good burger or Japanese. Besides, sexual attraction isn't just based on appearance.
Looking appealing to him matters at the start - but you need a whole lot more than that to keep someone interested long-term. The saying 'good looks wear off after date three' has a lot of truth to it. Being able to communicate your needs and wants to him, being adventurous and open-minded, making him feel secure, not over-reacting to problems, making him feel loved and attractive out of bed — all of these things are what makes people sexually happy long-term.
It's about so much more than just being his 'type'. So when should you worry? Sometimes people switch types and avoid people who look that way, when it hasn't worked out for them. If being with Ms Big Knockers has got his heart broken over and over, being with yet another Ms Big Knockers is not going to be a pleasant experience. He'll be nervous and suspicious history will repeat itself. There are two ways this will manifest. The first is in your favour: It doesn't exist anymore.
The second, not so much. If he recognises dating his type isn't getting him very far, he might make a conscious decision to find someone who is as far removed from his type as possible. This means you've been chosen as an experiment and for reasons that essentially have nothing to do with you as an individual. He might decide it's the best thing he's ever done - or he might decide it's not working at all and he's forcing himself to fancy you.
He might also decide to stay with you but cheat with girls who look like his type: If you're the one and only person he's ever dated who doesn't look a certain way and his past relationships have been traumatic, keep your eyes open. Also be wary if you often catch him looking longingly at women who conform to his previous ideal.
Most telling is if he tries to change you, to turn you into her. He wants you to change hair colour or style, wear different clothes, behave in a different way. All of the above mean your instincts are right and you should sit up and pay attention. But if you're having a great time together and he seems perfectly happy, my advice would be to stop worrying. We all have a past — you do too. What's most likely to ruin a relationship with a man who has chosen against type, is her insecurity.
What's unattractive to him is you feeing unattractive or constantly comparing yourself unfavourably to his exes. Men vote with their feet: Accept that and, in most scenarios, all will be well!
Advertisement Share or comment on this article: Tracey Cox reveals why it's good NOT to be your man's physical type.