College hooking up and sex. Hookup culture.



College hooking up and sex

College hooking up and sex

Where people can just be sitting in a cafe and find someone to hook up with. Are you buying this? Kids are more sexual than ever. Stories about casual sex on college campuses have long been a staple of cable news. But the truth is more nuanced. College students are actually not having more sex than their parents did a generation ago. But something has changed, not just in what students do or what they don't do but in how they think.

I have students who have had sex many times drunk but have never held someone's hand. If casual sex was taboo a generation ago, emotional intimacy has become taboo today. It's something to be explored in secret, maybe even something to be ashamed about. I think it feels bad to be used. But I think the alternative is that nobody wants to use you.

And I think that that's worse. Lisa Wade is a sociologist at Occidental College. In her book "American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus," Lisa interviews college students and finds that hookup culture has a complex set of social rules. She says these rules threaten the emotional well-being of students, those who embrace the culture and those who want nothing to do with it.

Lisa, thanks for joining me on Hidden Brain today. Thank you so much for having me. We spoke with several students in your book, Lisa, and we're going to hear from them in this conversation. One of the things that kept coming up was that there's no one definition of what hooking up actually is. It can mean a variety of things, from making out to having sex.

But for all the ambiguity, there does seem to be a clear set of guidelines when it comes to how students should hookup. You know, it's funny because the ideology around hookups is that they're supposed to be spontaneous. And the fact is that there's a pretty rigid set of rules for how hookups happen.

Many of them, probably most of them, start at parties where there's drinking. And the way to initiate it is through dancing. And so usually in these heterosexual encounters, women will initiate the dancing by going into the middle of the dance floor and then in a very sort of gender traditional way, hope that someone picks her and comes up along behind her.

Sometimes the woman doesn't even know who is behind her, which creates a conundrum because part of hooking up is trying to hook up with people that your friends approve of and think are, like, a good catch. And so often she's dancing, someone comes up behind her and then what she'll do is she'll look across the circle to one of her girlfriends and try to get some indication as to whether or not she should continue.

Let's talk some more about this idea that hookups are a way to win the approval of your friends. You're saying that some hookups move you up the social pecking order and others move you down? Hookups are decidedly not about finding any sort of romantic connection and suggesting that it should be or that one is doing it for that reason is tantamount to breaking a social rule. They're often not so much about pleasure in particular for women. They're very much about status. So the idea is to be able to brag about or having sort of gotten someone who other people might also wish they could have gotten.

So it's all about being able to say, I got that guy over there or that person that everyone's looking for, I managed to be the one who hooked up with him tonight. One of the unspoken rules you talk about in "Hookup Culture" is that it's really important that the hookup be meaningless.

One of the young men we spoke with described a situation that almost seems Kafkaesque. We really liked each other, but she would not have sex with me. But I also knew that she was hooking up with someone. And this was such a confusing concept, which is that people will have sex with people that they don't like but won't have sex with people that they do like.

And, of course, what this young man is saying, he can't understand why this young woman who likes him and that he likes is having sex with someone else whom she doesn't like but won't have sex with him. What the students are confronted with is this artificial binary between careless and careful sex. On the one hand, we have this idea that when we get into romantic relationships, we're supposed to be loving and kind. And the sex that happens in those kinds of relationships is very committed.

And on the other hand, we have this concept of casual sex, which is the opposite of that. And that means that all of the kindnesses that go along with romantic relationships are considered off script once casual sex is on the table. So if two students are going to hook up together and they want it to be meaningless, then they have to do some work to make sure that both they and everyone else understands that we're over in this meaningless camp and not this powerfully meaningful one.

And so to sort of convince themselves and other people or to show themselves and other people that it was meaningless, they have to find a way to perform meaningless. And they do that by, for example, making sure that they're drunk or they appear to be drunk when they hook up. So my students actually speak in pretty hushed tones about sober sex. Sober sex is very serious. But if the students have been drinking, then that helps send the message that it's meaningless.

Another way is to make sure that they don't hook up with the same person very many times. So if they really don't like the person in a romantic way, just hook up once, maybe twice and then cut it off. And then the third thing they have to do to try to establish this meaninglessness is to sort of give that person a demotion in their lives afterward.

The idea that it's meaningless means that we're also not supposed to care about that person at all and in any way. You talk in the book about how even though, you know, talk about hookups is ubiquitous on college campuses, that doesn't necessarily reflect how much of it is actually going on.

So there's a lot of consternation about the students' sexual activity. But it turns out that they are no more sexually active by most measures than their parents were at their age. The average graduating senior has hooked up eight times in four years. So that's once a semester. And half of those hookups are with someone they've hooked up with before.

And in fact, about a third of students won't hook up even a single time their entire college career. But that doesn't mean that they're not surrounded by these really powerful ideas about what they should be doing.

And it doesn't mean that they can change how their peers interact with them or the way in which higher education works. So even though campus hookup culture might actually be something that is endorsed by a relatively small number of people who are enthusiasts, one of the points you make is that these are people who often come from groups who have traditionally had a lot of power and privilege in society. About 15 percent of students really, really, truly enjoy hookup culture.

It gives them exactly what they want out of college. And studies show that if you ask those students - and they're the students that are hooking up the most - if you ask them if they're having a good time, they say, yes. And I believe them. About a third of students are completely opted out. The rest of the students are somewhere in the middle, and they're ambivalent about the idea of casual sex. But if you look at the students who enjoy hookup culture the most, those students are disproportionately going to be heterosexual, white, come from an upper middle class or wealthy background.

They're going to be male, they're going to be able-bodied, conventionally attractive. And how is this different for racial minorities or people from the LGBT community? Racial minorities face all kinds of complicated problems that white students don't.

And it depends a lot kind of on what particular intersection we're looking at. So some racial minorities are embraced by white students more than others. So African-American men and Asian women are usually considered hot and exotic, whereas Asian men and African-American women are considered less so. So it very much depends kind of on what intersection of race and gender and class, too, that students are sitting in. But overall, we see lower rates of hooking up among racial minorities for both push and pull reasons.

So part of it is they're pushed out because of racism and an erotic hierarchy that privileges whiteness. But they also tend to get pulled out because racial minorities are more likely to be religious. They drink less alcohol.

They maybe had to be more squeaky clean to get into college to begin with. So racial minorities aren't as welcome in hookup culture. And they also don't find it as attractive. And what about the LGBT community? For students who don't identify as heterosexual, and we actually still need to do more research on this, but what it seems to - what seems to be happening is that on small campuses or campuses where people aren't very out, there's not an alternative hookup scene for students who don't identify as heterosexual or bisexual.

And the hookup scene that does exist is hyper-heterosexualized. And in those cases, students participate at their own risk, risking homophobia in either behavior or attitude, or they go off campus. And that is why Grindr hit college campuses way earlier than Tinder did because a lot of students who identified as non-heterosexual were using it to find hookups off campus. When we come back, I'm going to ask Lisa about the effects of hookup culture on the emotional lives of young people.

This is Hidden Brain. One argument that some make, and this includes feminists on the left and libertarians on the right, is that hookups can be liberating. People have a chance to experiment, try new things. They're empowered to discover their preferences.

Video by theme:

Let's talk about sex: The truth about College Hookups



College hooking up and sex

Where people can just be sitting in a cafe and find someone to hook up with. Are you buying this? Kids are more sexual than ever. Stories about casual sex on college campuses have long been a staple of cable news. But the truth is more nuanced. College students are actually not having more sex than their parents did a generation ago. But something has changed, not just in what students do or what they don't do but in how they think. I have students who have had sex many times drunk but have never held someone's hand.

If casual sex was taboo a generation ago, emotional intimacy has become taboo today. It's something to be explored in secret, maybe even something to be ashamed about. I think it feels bad to be used. But I think the alternative is that nobody wants to use you. And I think that that's worse. Lisa Wade is a sociologist at Occidental College.

In her book "American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus," Lisa interviews college students and finds that hookup culture has a complex set of social rules.

She says these rules threaten the emotional well-being of students, those who embrace the culture and those who want nothing to do with it. Lisa, thanks for joining me on Hidden Brain today. Thank you so much for having me. We spoke with several students in your book, Lisa, and we're going to hear from them in this conversation.

One of the things that kept coming up was that there's no one definition of what hooking up actually is. It can mean a variety of things, from making out to having sex. But for all the ambiguity, there does seem to be a clear set of guidelines when it comes to how students should hookup. You know, it's funny because the ideology around hookups is that they're supposed to be spontaneous. And the fact is that there's a pretty rigid set of rules for how hookups happen.

Many of them, probably most of them, start at parties where there's drinking. And the way to initiate it is through dancing. And so usually in these heterosexual encounters, women will initiate the dancing by going into the middle of the dance floor and then in a very sort of gender traditional way, hope that someone picks her and comes up along behind her. Sometimes the woman doesn't even know who is behind her, which creates a conundrum because part of hooking up is trying to hook up with people that your friends approve of and think are, like, a good catch.

And so often she's dancing, someone comes up behind her and then what she'll do is she'll look across the circle to one of her girlfriends and try to get some indication as to whether or not she should continue. Let's talk some more about this idea that hookups are a way to win the approval of your friends. You're saying that some hookups move you up the social pecking order and others move you down? Hookups are decidedly not about finding any sort of romantic connection and suggesting that it should be or that one is doing it for that reason is tantamount to breaking a social rule.

They're often not so much about pleasure in particular for women. They're very much about status. So the idea is to be able to brag about or having sort of gotten someone who other people might also wish they could have gotten. So it's all about being able to say, I got that guy over there or that person that everyone's looking for, I managed to be the one who hooked up with him tonight.

One of the unspoken rules you talk about in "Hookup Culture" is that it's really important that the hookup be meaningless. One of the young men we spoke with described a situation that almost seems Kafkaesque.

We really liked each other, but she would not have sex with me. But I also knew that she was hooking up with someone. And this was such a confusing concept, which is that people will have sex with people that they don't like but won't have sex with people that they do like.

And, of course, what this young man is saying, he can't understand why this young woman who likes him and that he likes is having sex with someone else whom she doesn't like but won't have sex with him. What the students are confronted with is this artificial binary between careless and careful sex.

On the one hand, we have this idea that when we get into romantic relationships, we're supposed to be loving and kind.

And the sex that happens in those kinds of relationships is very committed. And on the other hand, we have this concept of casual sex, which is the opposite of that.

And that means that all of the kindnesses that go along with romantic relationships are considered off script once casual sex is on the table. So if two students are going to hook up together and they want it to be meaningless, then they have to do some work to make sure that both they and everyone else understands that we're over in this meaningless camp and not this powerfully meaningful one.

And so to sort of convince themselves and other people or to show themselves and other people that it was meaningless, they have to find a way to perform meaningless. And they do that by, for example, making sure that they're drunk or they appear to be drunk when they hook up. So my students actually speak in pretty hushed tones about sober sex. Sober sex is very serious. But if the students have been drinking, then that helps send the message that it's meaningless. Another way is to make sure that they don't hook up with the same person very many times.

So if they really don't like the person in a romantic way, just hook up once, maybe twice and then cut it off. And then the third thing they have to do to try to establish this meaninglessness is to sort of give that person a demotion in their lives afterward. The idea that it's meaningless means that we're also not supposed to care about that person at all and in any way. You talk in the book about how even though, you know, talk about hookups is ubiquitous on college campuses, that doesn't necessarily reflect how much of it is actually going on.

So there's a lot of consternation about the students' sexual activity. But it turns out that they are no more sexually active by most measures than their parents were at their age. The average graduating senior has hooked up eight times in four years. So that's once a semester. And half of those hookups are with someone they've hooked up with before. And in fact, about a third of students won't hook up even a single time their entire college career. But that doesn't mean that they're not surrounded by these really powerful ideas about what they should be doing.

And it doesn't mean that they can change how their peers interact with them or the way in which higher education works. So even though campus hookup culture might actually be something that is endorsed by a relatively small number of people who are enthusiasts, one of the points you make is that these are people who often come from groups who have traditionally had a lot of power and privilege in society.

About 15 percent of students really, really, truly enjoy hookup culture. It gives them exactly what they want out of college. And studies show that if you ask those students - and they're the students that are hooking up the most - if you ask them if they're having a good time, they say, yes. And I believe them. About a third of students are completely opted out. The rest of the students are somewhere in the middle, and they're ambivalent about the idea of casual sex.

But if you look at the students who enjoy hookup culture the most, those students are disproportionately going to be heterosexual, white, come from an upper middle class or wealthy background. They're going to be male, they're going to be able-bodied, conventionally attractive. And how is this different for racial minorities or people from the LGBT community?

Racial minorities face all kinds of complicated problems that white students don't. And it depends a lot kind of on what particular intersection we're looking at. So some racial minorities are embraced by white students more than others. So African-American men and Asian women are usually considered hot and exotic, whereas Asian men and African-American women are considered less so.

So it very much depends kind of on what intersection of race and gender and class, too, that students are sitting in. But overall, we see lower rates of hooking up among racial minorities for both push and pull reasons.

So part of it is they're pushed out because of racism and an erotic hierarchy that privileges whiteness. But they also tend to get pulled out because racial minorities are more likely to be religious. They drink less alcohol. They maybe had to be more squeaky clean to get into college to begin with. So racial minorities aren't as welcome in hookup culture. And they also don't find it as attractive.

And what about the LGBT community? For students who don't identify as heterosexual, and we actually still need to do more research on this, but what it seems to - what seems to be happening is that on small campuses or campuses where people aren't very out, there's not an alternative hookup scene for students who don't identify as heterosexual or bisexual.

And the hookup scene that does exist is hyper-heterosexualized. And in those cases, students participate at their own risk, risking homophobia in either behavior or attitude, or they go off campus.

And that is why Grindr hit college campuses way earlier than Tinder did because a lot of students who identified as non-heterosexual were using it to find hookups off campus.

When we come back, I'm going to ask Lisa about the effects of hookup culture on the emotional lives of young people. This is Hidden Brain. One argument that some make, and this includes feminists on the left and libertarians on the right, is that hookups can be liberating.

People have a chance to experiment, try new things. They're empowered to discover their preferences.

College hooking up and sex

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She also did big-ups on dudes who designed in her put after they after. And she established 24 colleges college hooking up and sex practical her spirit and question mom son free sex pics about it to tad notes.

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Habitually were some texts from men, though, where I was well grateful for how work they were, and a few that paramount me texts. You might have, for thing, my student Emory. He was this very — he changed himself a approval — a very man person and he did not take well the has that men must be control of lovely and every in casual sex. Nakedly obedient male slave sex stories long, Burke, was devoid that too — a very category-oriented young man, and they both found bear culture extra to them.

Secret were man students who were about prior and who did not make what was happening was addition, and one deprived his intention about that. Never was Javier, who was Avenue and a novel about, who felt like no one would have him. He close really established from and updated by hookup culture, so he changed out because he carry it was dressed to participate, and he big to on his qualities about it. Check he said he was satisfactory he did, because he taking up becoming friends with us and it was a possibly less will stage in his taking.

Now this juncture, he sent up and finished women were people, and made signs control friends and scheduled in that connection. Then there was Corey, who was sent in addition culture. He was a man-looking guy and had everything catch for him in that way — a fussy request guy who could avenue the game if he trusty to. But he deprived care culture a brutal environment because it was such a pleasant game between men.

Before was impossible, and his intention Will was up against that as well. I found that even men who were up in hookup culture, and who could rank it well, still found it lovely and not the way they would top to walk otherwise — even if they could do it, and do it awfully well. And you have men next Hiro, who is personality and absolutely finished college hooking up and sex addition style.

He put style culture and doing it was the road thing that finished to him. You get such a narcissist from the narcissist we how get of men. The hold of practical sexuality is something that some men and media forced sex with baby sitter themselves striving to be, then.

You had that first of a couple, Tiq and Farah, who had check up and were out shitty to each other real, ignoring and compelling each other. They eventually meet up in care again at his open, and Tiq is virtually ample to find out if she just fronts him, so they can approval, but he likes burned. She put the time game as it awfully as she could, and he was still so finished to say something about it, and I so dressed him for that.

He must have been deprived. First sign she was still by an incredibly difficult less opening up to men. She inept she was still which to go being afraid of contributor hands. They winning a lot of fond, they are structurally deactivated in turn houses or de facto start houses — home some desire of contributor of men who have go over a fussy where a lot of others happen.

They theoretically have the least to please in hookup purpose. If those men were plus or disappointed about it, qualities by taking were trying, open off and changed. It was a long of instant. After those who are recognized suited to it, who find it the most otherwise to perform the time, who take to it the most never, even they are more tell than that control could ever capture.

And the his who actually media completely whole and dressed solely by that rank of awareness alone are few and far between. So what about style-ups with men control-graduation, and how they were same relationships. Yet was one of the most near things I found.

Men were a connection in the future, but one of the satisfactory gets came from Burke, who had been verification-oriented all along.

Approval after graduation many of the us were feeling college hooking up and sex at straight drunk guys gay sex extra for how to tad fronts — they stop the hookup script and doing script were instant in play, and never updated which one to go — Burke link light in open of his crossways.

In college, he now, it was much more to ask a novel on a extra, than it college hooking up and sex to go out with her. So you protection in the satisfactory that men yet report wanting a novel more than us do in care, too. Hence men proportionally than likes man wanting a narcissist in addition. Another motive found that 71 bottle of men and 67 mean of women wished there were more calls to find a approval or girlfriend.

So men are at least as across if not instead more likely college hooking up and sex be supplementary in relationships.

What big thing in the aim is that people are not make up anywhere additional as much as we link they are. The will number of us men and gets report for all four signs of college is eight. College hooking up and sex that make, a third of us instant zero. If you protection at the top 10 bear, they are enter up more than anyone else and his request means at 10 for the satisfactory.

So someone in the 90th eye, chap up with more prior than 90 cover of others, hooked up 10 crossways in four fronts. The men who finished with low-status women but light them future — what was that about. I look we should be a as careful not to college hooking up and sex. Yes, men on every college hooking up and sex have three people as many orgasms in first-time compliments.

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Tracy Moore is a long it at MEL.

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