For gay and bi men, much of our lives are built on these words. Some of us embrace them, others reject them. While there is power in labels, they invariably have downsides: I love getting fucked. We all have needs, and our needs are not fixed.
Sometimes we want to push our limits. Sometimes we want others to push our limits. No matter what gets us off, we all want to feel sexy and strong. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Gay sex is beautiful. Forget everything you were told. Forget everything you heard from your peers or your parents when you were growing up. Misconceptions abound about how gay men fuck, how our bodies work, how much sex we have, and what we really do. Ignore the hype and see for yourself, and welcome to the beautiful, breathtaking, agonizing, and life-affirming world of gay sex.
Good sex takes time. It takes a few awesome hookups as well as some frustrated nights, failed hookups, messy sheets, and angry crying in the shower before you get in your bottoming groove. You can bottom like a porn star — with practice. I was in the closet for the first 18 years of my life and I remember the things my peers in school would say. They knew I was gay and so did I. I think, perhaps, we were all just daring me to say it aloud. For some reason, homophobes assume all gay men are bottoms — the concept of dom tops must be too much for them.
When guys on my varsity football team joked about how I wanted a dick in my butt, it struck a chord of shame in me, because I did want a dick in my butt, and I feared they knew. I wondered if they could read my mind. I used to fantasize about double penetration with the quarterback and the left tackle. Bottoms bear the worst of cultural homophobia. Homophobes hate us because, among other reasons, the only thing they hate more than women is feminized men, and in their warped view of the world, heavy with antiquated gender norms, getting penetrated is the ultimate form of feminization.
Cultures the world over all place heavy ideas on butts. Depending on who you ask and what their background is, big butts are sexy, but their function is disgusting.
Butts are juicy packs of muscle that support your back and work hard every day to make you move. But they are also ports of waste and gas release that may or may not be smelly. Between those two hurdles forgive me falls gay life. Everyone should learn more biology.
Some foods are a no-go. Not all your no-go foods are no-go foods for everyone else, because some guys can eat whatever they want and bottom like a champ four hours later. You have to learn how your body works. A lot of this is science and biology: You do all this through trial, error, and actual reading. Get on the internet. There are many world-class bottoms out there who are more than willing to share their expertise with the world — myself included.
Everyone is an equal in sex. Forget the lie that there are more bottoms than tops in the world, and that tops have their pick of the land. We get more versatile as we age. Gay men the world over agree that most guys become more versatile as they age. I think that at some point we realize how silly it is to close ourselves off to an entire half of the gay sex experience. You must turn jokes from others into empowerment.
How often do you hear gay men cracking a joke about tops? Many, many homos will disagree with me on this, but I stand by it. You can fall for someone who likes getting fucked just as much as you do. What to do in this situation? Talk about it with them. Do not write them off because you both play for the same team. See people as more than their sex role. I know long-term gay couples who both lean bottom. They play with tops, have relationships with tops, but at the end of the day their primary focus is each other.
There are many, many solid gay relationships out there between two tops, and generally we accept these more easily thanks, again, to traces of cultural misogyny and the warped ways we view people who like to get fucked. But relationships between two bottoms are more common than you might think. In sex, you should always take baby steps.
Start with small toys, fingers with trimmed nails, lots of lube, and slow speed. Work your way up. You are more than what you like in bed. Some guys love getting used, degraded, and reduced to just a hole raising my hand here. Sometimes I want to be held, appreciated, cared for, and valued — usually by people I care for and value in return. Sometimes I want to get fucked brutally by them. Even if you enjoy degradation scenes, remember that your worth as a person is not the same as the role-play you enjoy.
We are more than our sex role. It is important to understand this. Years ago, my father made it clear he believed gay men were gay because of sex. To him as well as to many other people, gay men would otherwise be heterosexual if not for an urge — one they can get rid of through the power of prayer. His views have softened since then, but people all over the world feel this way — including many queer people.
This idea ignores the truth proved the world over that love, trust, and care can exist between two people — any two people — regardless of their gender.