Hey, my username is HollandSpring. I wanted to tell you about me and why I think I'm asexual but I'm not really sure. Maybe you can help me figure it out? Well, first things first. I don't like the idea of it and I don't think I'd be very good at it. Just thinking about the "technical stuff" is uncomfortable.
Not that I find it absolutely repulsive. When I see a sex scene in a movie, for instance, I think oh that's nice, they're beautiful people with a burning passion and desire for each other. I consider myself straight and I admit that the female body can be beautiful.
But I don't really enjoy any kind of nudity showing areas that other people find sexually arousing. I just can't imagine having to do that. I enjoy watching people kissing each other in bed, it can be rather pretty to me, but to put it frankly I don't want to have anything to do with ANYBODY's genital areas.
I think they're pretty, they smell good, and I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend or dating girls though I think I need a severe self-esteem boost before I have the confidence to ask a girl out. While other guys around me are talking solely about "getting laid" or "she's got a nice rack", I don't think about that at all. I want romance, and I do look at girls' faces when I talk to them. Breast size just really doesn't matter to me at all.
It's the same way with legs. I enjoy the beauty of a nice pair of legs, but I don't lust. And I don't get aroused. Which makes me feel way out of place. Now would I like to get married? The idea of it doesn't seem all that bad, but there's something about that that I don't know how to feel about. I would rather actually not marry and just date girls all my life. There is a reason I think I might not be asexual.
There is something that does arouse me. The truth is, I actually think I have a high libido because I it's weird I don't even like saying the actual word "M-word" to mental images and scenarios of this quite often. I'm not going to say what it is. No, it's nothing illegal I'm not a pedophile or a sadist or anything but it's extremely embarassing and I can't imagine anyone ever knowing or finding out about it. It doesn't even have anything to do with the genital areas, by the way, which is weird.
It's not actually about sex at all. I would give anything for it to just go away because I don't even like the feeling of arousal or climax. It's kind of disgusting to me. I always tell myself I'll never do it again and I always do.
But, honestly, there is no part of me that wants to physically partake in this outside of my head. It doesn't give me any kind of joy or satisfaction, just the "high" that I get from it. It's extremely annoying, and I've never felt that it's right or that it's a part of who I am.
I think with time as I grow older I'll be able to control it better. Maybe I should just chill out about it. Or maybe it'll be easier once I'm sure of my sexual identity. So, there is no part of me that wants to partake in actual physical sexual intercourse. I don't mind hugging, cuddling, or even kissing girls but could honestly do without and be fine, though a part of me does want that kind of relationship.
There's even a part of me that wants to stay single my whole life and travel the world. Sometimes I have difficulty relating to people, anyway. I guess it's a whole other story but it's easier for me to talk to some people than others and I don't really know why.
I hope no one thinks I'm snooty or anything for not talking to them a lot. I think I am asexual, I just need someone to confirm it. It's kind of weird. I've never really fit in anywhere in life. I need to fit in somewhere, and I need to find my sexual identity. I want to be able to say "I'm in this group!
Sound asexual to you? And please, don't ask me what gives me arousal.