Rather, it feeds on its own success. So the most important thing you need to know about being good in bed is that it's not really very complicated or difficult at all.
Oh, sure, if you're an accomplished sexual athlete, you can pore over the Kama Sutra and try exotic positions and dabble in sex toys and scented oils and variations for more than two people. These things have their place and you'll get to them. And, by the way, part of the reason is today's girls; it has been long enough since really effective and easy contraception was first deployed in the early s, and I doubt that so many women have ever been more sexually sophisticated or less inhibited in the whole prior history of the world than they are today.
You have it easier than you know. So begin with confidence Let's start with attitude. Remember that you're there to have fun with your partner. Joy and satisfaction are the goals, whether the two of you are just scratching a mutual itch or affirming a lifelong bond. So be generous to your partner -- the satisfaction you give her will come back to you. This advice isn't quite as true for her, unfortunately -- but we'll cover that below. There are three basic ways in which male and female sexual response are different in bed that you'll need to keep in mind.
These differences determine the basic rhythm and pacing of good sex. This is the most important difference and the one least affected by psychology, mental attitude, or self-training. Intimacy and trust can shrink the difference but aren't likely to erase it completely. The best places to stimulate her will wander around; also, women vary as to whether they want progressively heavier or progressively lighter stimulation as they approach orgasm.
These three differences set your basic policy. Unless you know differently about the specific woman you're in bed with, the two basic things you need to do to be a good lover are slow down and pay attention. The classic male failure mode is to jump on the woman, rush through foreplay, plug a penis into her vagina, and gallop to orgasm before she's even completely warmed up. If she comes at all under that kind of treatment, it's going to be just a shadow of the rip-snortin' multiorgasmic joyride a good lover would take her on.
You've got hands and lips. A few minutes of good old-fashioned lip-to-lip smooching is always an appropriate starter even if that's what you were doing before the clothes came off. Run your hands gently over her body; women love the feeling of being caressed all over, of being explored and owned by a lover's hands.
Try different levels of pressure from light to very firm. Pay attention to the way her breathing and muscle tension changes as you touch different parts of her in different ways; her body will tell you what she likes, so you can do more of it. Where your hands find a good response especially a good response to light or teasing touches it is often wise to follow up with your lips and tongue.
Dial in on areas where the skin is naturally sensitive; the neck, ears, the inner surfaces of arms and legs. The message that you want to please her will get through even if the sex isn't perfect.
So cultivate whole-body sensitivity if you can. Your nipples are good places to start; encourage her to tease them, and let it be known when that's turning you on. She'll love you for this. The most frustrating sexual encounter I ever had was with a guy who did not react at all to anything I did.
Feedback should go both ways; she'll please you more, and enjoy you more, if she knows which things she's doing right. OK, so you've been doing horny things to each other for a while now and she seems hot enough to screw. Do you immediately perform a genital docking maneuver? Not if you're smart. At this point, my dear friend, my advice for you is learn to love cunnilingus. Remember, she's capable of multiple orgasms. Your unassisted penis is going to give her approximately one.
On the other hand, if you're a stud with serious arousal control, you may be able to avoid popping while she has several but this is wearing, and even those of us who can do it tend to reserve it for special occasions. It averages out to about one. Women don't really expect men to be sex gods -- they just want the guys to try to meet their needs. There's a flip side to this.
If you just lie there waiting to be aroused and penetrated, you are short-changing him. Maybe he can't have as many orgasms as you, but that's all the more reason to let your hands and lips roam.
Rub your body against his. Be aggressive, even -- put his hands where you want them, squeeze his cock or do something else to reward him when he does something you like.
If the classic male error is being too fast, the classic female error is being too passive and expecting him to do all the work. Many guys are so starved for decent feedback that they'll love you for avoiding this mistake alone. The basic disparity between a man's typical single-peak response and a woman's multiorgasmic capability is why cunnilingus is your friend, and why if you want to be remembered as a hot lover the right lead-in to genital sex is often some serious oral sex.
When a woman has had several orgasms on the tip of your tongue, she's likely to be forgiving even if you're so aroused that you explode immediately on entry. Think of it as defensive programming Your basic good cunnilingus technique is to lap at her labia and clitoris as if you were licking an ice-cream cone. Women vary a good deal in their response to this kind of stimulation, so unless you know your partner's preferences start light and slow and gradually crank up the intensity until you find where she responds best.
Note that some women find direct tongue stimulation of the clitoris unbearably intense at low arousal levels -- so, though it makes a tempting target, you should sneak up on it gradually and be prepared to back off if she shows signs of distress. Breaking off occasionally to kiss and lick her inner thighs will tease her a bit and give you a rest. It's also smart; a man concentrating hard on giving you pleasure can lose some arousal levels, and you may well enjoy his cock more if you polish up that erection a bit.
This is especially if the guy has had to lick you a long time because it was hard for you to get aroused for some reason. You kept him waiting, and fair is fair. Paying attention and slowing down is still a good idea, though. There are various techniques for slowing down; one that I find effective is to thrust deep and then just freeze, no genital or body motion at all for a few seconds.
If your partner likes deep penetration this will drive her berserk, so you'll get a double benefit. Some guys have this idea that they can't be good in bed if they are not hung like a horse. In fact, I have sad memories of real pain that I suffered from well-meaning lovers who were so well-endowed that each thrust hurt.
You don't need to be thick and long. Thick and short will fill her up quite nicely in most cases, because the vagina doesn't have very many nerve endings and much of the sensation comes from the lateral stretching a thick penis provides.
And if you're short and thin One of the best lovers I ever had was short and thin, but his mouth and hands made up for it. If you're paying attention, you'll get fairly clear indications even when she's not vocal; whole-body tremors are a common sign. If you can pace things so you let go just after she begins to climax, that's about ideal. If you arranged things properly, the two of you are having a thumping good mutual orgasm about now.
If you feel so inclined, roaring and bellowing in harmony with her cries of ectasy is quite good manners at this point. But you are not quite done yet, stud. Never underestimate the importance of the post-coital cuddle. Chicks dig this amazingly.
Just hold her gently for a while murmured endearments and light kisses are optional but usually much appreciated. Let the afterglow happen. You will score serious points for this, even if you wander off to hack a few minutes later. I have just laid out a template for good basic sex. It works -- if you follow it you won't go far wrong. However, beware of taking it too literally. As in other kinds of art, over-reliance on technique tends to produce mechanical, joyless results.
No woman wants to feel like a paint-by-numbers diagram or an obstacle course; if you find yourself mentally checking off boxes on a rote grand tour of her errogenous zones, it's not likely to work well for either of you. Tastes differ, and you need to adapt to local conditions with each partner.
Some women will really get off on having their nipples sucked; others are almost indifferent to it. A few prefer shallow penetration to deep. Notice these differences and others and use them. You will also occasionally run into special situations in which her particular needs are so pressing that your own gratification runs a very distant second to satisfying her.
The most common of these is virginity. If the woman tells you she is a virgin, or you discover it through the presence of an intact hymen a membrane half-blocking access to the vagina , feel extremely honored that she has trusted you to help her have a good first experience. A woman's first time is more difficult than a man's and may involve minor pain and bleeding as the hymen ruptures.
Accordingly, you need to be extra gentle and extra careful that she is extremely aroused before penetration, so that any discomfort will quickly be washed away by pleasure. The post-coital cuddle is especially important with a virgin; you could literally shape her attitude towards men and sex for the rest of her life with that few minutes of kindness.
In general, remember the objectives: Pay attention to her feedback and tune your behavior accordingly. Answer her desires, and let her know when she's answering yours. That, not physical equipment or fancy moves, is what will make you terrific in bed.