Each Wednesday, I answer one of your burning questions on the blog. Hi, Greetings from a listener in the Netherlands! Thanks for your work. I really enjoy your sex-positive attitude and openness. I hope you want to address my question and share your vast wealth of knowledge — as well as a female perspective. In a couple of months, my wife and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary.
But there is one thing she has always been adamant about to this very day: She will sometimes blow me, but not before wiping off as much of the pre-cum as possible. I am very vocal about how much I enjoy it and how I love her doing it. But when I tell her she is going to make me cum, she sort-of panics, points my dick away and quickly drapes a cloth over it.
I really wish she could overcome this fear. I love giving her head and making her cum all over my face not the same, I know. Her taste and smell are intoxicating to me.
I also love the taste of my cum. One time, in a fit of utter horniness right after I came in her pussy, I dove in and licked her clean… I wanted to kiss her so bad, it made my skin burn. My secret fantasy is for us to snowball. What, if anything, can I do to help her start the road to overcome her imho irrational fear? What can she do? Thanks for the question, Dutch Husband.
I love hearing that you two have a fun, expanding sex life 20 years into your relationship. I also love hearing that your wife gives amazing blowjobs and you love eating her out. It sounds like, overall, things are terrific for the both of you.
My first question is — have you tried sitting down with her and having a conversation about her feelings about your ejaculate and pre-cum? Have you set aside a nice cozy, intimate time to actually ask what her experience is?
Not sharing your feelings, not sharing your experience, not sharing your fantasies, but just being curious and open and patient as you give her space to share? By getting vulnerable and sharing your own experience, without having any expectation behind it, you might help her to open to a new perspective about bodily fluids and why can can be so intimate and delicious.
Shame does that to us. Eroticizing and perverting the shame to work for us is something we humans are very good at. What about porn with female ejaculation and squirting? How can you open up a dialog that feels safe for you both to explore your feelings and fantasies about incorporating taste and smell into your shared sexual experiences? Nor is it fair to expect her to live out all of your fantasies.
That boundary might be temporary or it might be something she holds onto for her entire life. My invitation to you, Dutch Husband, is to: Focus on all the things that are fun and delicious about your sex life with your wife. Practice having conversations with your wife about sex in general. Watch erotic films together. Practice creating a space where you two can talk openly about feelings and desire.
Then, ask your wife about her feelings and experience of your cum. Make sure that when you have this conversation, you are open, genuinely curious, and in no way interested in controlling the narrative or her experience. Leave lots of space for her to find words without you being defensive. Let her be uncomfortable. At some point, find a way to gently and vulnerably share your experience of her juices and your own cum.
The intimacy, the closeness, the specialness, the rich flavors, the added senses of taste and smell that make it even more sensual and ecstatic. Find your own words around your why. Let her have her feelings about it. What if she talked about wanting it and talked about tasting it without actually doing it? That might feel like a lovely way for you both to explore this space.
That, more than anything else, will be more likely to set you both up for even more sexual adventures, including your snowball fantasy. One more thing — you mentioned going down on your wife after you came inside of her and how horrified she looked. I love the way I taste. I wanted to use that moment to be so close to you, but I felt scared when I saw your face. You are clearly on the right path if you and your wife are still experiencing a thriving sex life two decades into your partnership, so keep doing all the stuff that works, and decide if you want to put a little effort into trying a few new things like the ones I mentioned above.
It can be so easy to fixate on the fantasy that is a secret, but you also have the choice to focus your energy on finding ways to connect with your wife around these experiences which can only set you both up for even more resilience and connection down the road. I hope this was helpful. Best of luck to you both and thank you so much for writing in. What did you do to reframe it or get over it? Or, does it still bother you and how do you work around it? Comment below with your thoughts. Have your own question about sex, relationships, kink, or your body?