I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! Today I want to talk about vaginismus. Last week on Wifey Wednesday I wrote about what to do when sex is just ho hum. I received some comments asking about what to do when sex just plain hurts, and I thought it was time for a Wifey Wednesday on vaginismus, the condition when the vagina tenses up and makes sex very painful. It makes me feel inadequate and unappealing.
And there is nothing wrong with her! She just has vaginismus, a medical condition that makes sex hurt that she did not cause. Causes of Vaginismus The best route to a cure is to identify the underlying reason for this condition. For some, vaginismus is caused by a childhood trauma, like sexual abuse. What you can try to do is to train yourself to control those muscles, and thus learn to relax them.
How to Overcome Vaginismus The vagina is a muscle just like any other muscle, and it can do two counterproductive things: Read up about vaginismus The book Sex Without Pain focuses on women who experience pain for a variety of reasons—and helps them learn how to get those muscles to cooperate. Written by an occupational therapist, she gives very concrete exercises that usually do help you see results.
Everytime you pee, try to tense and relax, tense and relax, three or four times so that your body learns how to relax. Learn to exercise the pelvic floor muscles Other physiotherapists have even created specially designed Kegel exercise weights to help you learn how to control those muscles.
I know that sounds scary—but it really can work! Most treatment programs also suggest using a progressive set of vaginal dilators that you insert, starting with the smallest, until you can get them in comfortably. Learn to stretch yourself—slowly! How does this help you with sex? Believe me—this honestly can work! When I was first married I had vaginimus and sex was excrutiating. But I was sad, frustrated, and really desperate.
I ended up seeing a doctor, but he made everything so clinical I felt almost violated. I did get a hold of a set of dilators eventually, and used them on my own. And I do think that when you have this problem, being able to read about it and deal with it in the privacy of your own home is sometimes better, unless you have an awesome doctor you can talk to!
But on your own, with the right tools and lots of practice, you can learn to control those muscles and feel less panicky and less inadequate. It can even be empowering! Pay Attention to Your Body If sex is painful we often want to block that out, and so we prefer not to think much about our bodies below our necks. So spend some time everyday just caring for your body. Do stretches for 15 minutes a day. And dress your body nicely and take care of it. Embrace it, because while sex may hurt now, the route to healing will be found by learning how to make your body feel good—not by ignoring your body.
And it can make us mad: It all seems so unfair. Instead, start telling yourself the truth about sex: I am a sexual being. It may not feel that way right now, but you are. And you were created to feel pleasure. And it is possible! So start thinking of your sex life as more than just intercourse.
Make sure that each sexual encounter has something that will make you feel relaxed and good. Then move on to a massage again, naked. Let yourself feel intimate and awfully relaxed! And then learn how to make you feel good, by helping him bring you to orgasm another way. Sometimes when we have vaginismus we do the opposite: Instead, do the opposite.
Slow things way down and learn to relax. This post contains some affiliate links. Now, what advice do you have for us today? Marriage isn't supposed to be blah! Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.